Deeper than bones.

Wow.

I haven't written since July 10th, 2008. It's 2009 now! There's so much to say, I don't even know where to begin.

The biggest thing I can think of recently happening was my run-in with Paul. You remember, that ex that I vowed to never speak to again? Well. I didn't have any choice in the matter.

It had been 8 months since I had messaged him, and 10 months since I had seen him in person. Well, earlier this month I had my two best friends Annette* and Grace* over for some drinks and TVing. Just a regular little girl's night in. Around 1am I get a phone call from a number I don't know, so I don't answer it. They called again, I ignored. They called again, so I picked it up. The guy was like, 'Heyyy, this is Jay, you remember me? Paul's friend?' --Yeah, when I was with Paul, he had two best friends.. Jay and Chuck. They both had girlfriends, and the 6 of us would always hang out, so yes.. I knew who he was when he was calling. Anyways, he was super drunk on the phone and was like 'Loook, it's been a long time, but I'm really sorry, I just had to call and tell you something...' At this point I'm seriously thinking that he's about to tell me that Paul had overdosed on something and is dead. That's not the case.

'Look, I've just liked you for such a long time, and I think you're a great girl.. Paul really screwed up when he let you go and' blah blah blah. So anyways he loves me or whatever and is telling me that he's on his way to my house. I'm like, 'Jay, you don't know where I live, you've never been to my house.' But then he tells me that no, Paul used to drive past my house all the time after we broke up, sooo he knows juuust where I live, and he's going to walk here to meet me. I try convincing him not to come, he's too drunk and it's freezing outside, not to mention it's 1am and my parents are sleeping. He just keeps telling me he loves me and hangs up.

Bout a half hour goes by and I start to walk Annette out to her car so she can leave for the night.... And there's a guy walking up my street. Yeah. No kidding. It's Jay. He stops in front of my house and just sits down in the street. I go to talk to him and a few minutes later the girls are with me in the street. We all talk for a little, Jay is PISS drunk, and then another person starts walking up the street. It's Chuck. I'm like Jesus, I haven't seen either of these guys since beFORE the last time I even saw Paul, this is crazy. Anyways, Chuck says he followed Jay, but I think he was too far behind him to have been able to accurately follow him... So I guess he was with Paul a bunch too for the drivebys past my house. Anyways Jay starts getting a little beligerent, Chuck's able to calm him down. I ask them if they need a ride to wherever they're going, and Chuck assures me they have someone coming to get them, so I'm like okay.

A little white car pulls up and who the fuck gets out of the car??? Yeah. Fucking Paul. Hadn't seen the guy in like a thousand years and then all of a sudden he's in my driveway. Jay sees him and lunges, (oh I forget this part.. Jay and Paul aren't friends anymore because Jay thinks Paul sucks for all the drugs he does and all that). So Jay lunnnges at Paul and pushes him. But he's WASTED so there's not much he can do! They're all three fighting in the street and then Paul's able to get Jay in the back of the car. He's like 'Alright well it was good seeing you guy's!' and they start to drive away. Jay gets his window down and starts screaming my name out of it, along with 'I loooove youuuu!!! I love youuuu!!' SO yeah.

Paul calls a little later and apologizes for everything.

Long story short. We text now. It's fucking weird. We messaged on Facebook for a while, then he told me I could text him and I did. I know he's still got his girlfriend, but I still can't leave it alone! I was doing so well, and then all of a sudden these wounds are just ripped right back open. I don't know what I'm doing this to myself for.

I was so over it, and now it's just back. Except it's not, it's not like I can have him back, I can't. So I'm just hurting myself by allowing myself to talk to him...

It's so warped, but I wish I could see him again.


I'm such a mess!!