If I had one wish, I'd wish for two.

I really don't even know what the heck is wrong with me.

Let's start with this, I wrote a huuuge blog yesterday about how I hung out with Paul. yes, THAT Paul. And I went to post it, and my computer flipped out on me and I lost the whole thing.

FUCKING awesome. So yeah, I hung out with him for 2.5 hours yesterday at a coffee shop. It was good, we talked about everything. What's going on in our lives, how we've been... He's now living with the girlfriend that he got approximately five minutes after he dumped me... And I haven't dated anybody since. Weird. God she's nasty.

Anyways, he came over to the house I'm housesitting at tonight. He was only here for two hours or so, and he brought his swim trunks in case we decided to go in the hot tub. Yeah I know, probably a terrible idea. Keep your panties on though, we didn't go in. It was more awkward today than it was yesterday though, I couldn't tell you why. It came up that he can't exactly tell his girl that he's talking to me again. He told her he was going to his brother's house when he came to mine. Of course I understand, I'd have that nasty bitch at my throat in a heartbeat if she knew. (Oh my God Sugarland's STAY just came on. Kill me now.) BUT I hate being people's SECRET FRIENDS. He's not the only friend I have who has to lie to his girlfriend every time he wants to see me. It's fucking ridiculous. How come he gets everything HE wants, but I can't get anything that I want?

I texted him when he left, because I'm a glutton for punishment. Seriously, what is wrong with me? It's like I'm throwing myself at him screaming, "HURT ME! Hurt me again! I didn't GET it the first four times. TELL ME AGAIN how you don't want to be with me, PLEASE, hurt me again.." ANYways. I texted him and I said, 'A little weird, yes?' Because there was an obvious awkwardness that wasn't there yesterday. And he called me. Not texted. Why?? I don't phone very well. I can't mask my cowardness when it comes to him when I'm on the phone. That's why I texted him!! Needless to say I didn't answer. He texted back a few minutes later... 'Well I got home, so can't text anymore. So until morning, night!' Why does he sound so chipper? I'm sitting here wanting to smash my head on the desk, and he's about to climb into bed with his gross girlfriend.

It's not fair, that was supposed to be mine. He was supposed to be mine.

Where is MY happiness?



Well, 'UNTIL MORNING,' (ugh.)

ktg.