No balls.

That's all. I have been reminded WHY exactly it is that I don't bother with younger guys. Because they have NO cajones. None whatsoever.

I'll see if I can make this long story short.

Alan got into town last Wednesday. In fact, shortly after I wrote my last post, he showed up at my office! To surprise me. How freaking adorable. After I got back to work and he left, I had a much better afternoon. He picked me up that evening and we went and saw Hancock with some of his friends. (fantastic film, by the way. I saw it again last night haha.) We had a great time, we really did. We hit it off super well, and I so enjoyed his company. It felt like he was never gone. We held hands like little kids, and kissed at red lights. Cute. He dropped me off at home and that was that. I wouldn't see him the next day (thursday) because of family things he had to do. I understood completely.

Sooo Friday (4th of July) my family had a 4th of July party at the house. You know, pool, grill, family and friends. The way it's supposed to be done as far as I'm concerned. He was able to show up for an hour, but then had to leave again. We had fun while he was there though, had some grub, went swimming, he met my family.. All that good stuff. When he was leaving he told me that he didn't know what he was doing that eveing, that he might give me a call. Already a red flag, I don't like feeling like I'm supposed to wait around for some chump's phone call. Anyways. I ended up calling HIM at 10 that night to see if he was interested in going to the beach with me and some friends the next day. He was all in to it, and told me to call him in the morning. The morning comes. I called three times from 9am to 11am, no answer. I left messages asking to call me back, that I wanted to head out soon. Called him again at noon and left ANOTHER message telling him I was going to the beach, told him what street we were at in case he wanted to join, and to call me.

Hanging out at a girlfriend's house later, she urges me to call him one more time. It was 6:30ish, so I gave it a shot. No answer! Still! Left a snippy message, and he called back within the half hour. "Sorry, I didn't have my phone on me all day." ... Are you fucking serious? You were supposed to be expecting my call. We had plans. You can't just not have your phone on you. Besides, the boy has my number memorized, I know it, so why didn't he use ANY other phone in the world to tell me he was busy instead of just ditching me? No balls. He said that he was about to go hang out with a buddy, and that we should hang out the next day (sunday). I told him that I would not be calling him, that if he wanted to see me, he'd have to call me. He called Sunday at noon, but I was in the little girls room. As soon as I came out like a minute later, I called him back. Surprise, surprise. Voicemail. Told him I was sorry I missed his call, to call me back. That was Sunday.

SO THEN LAST NIGHT (WEDNESDAY) I caved, and called. He answered.

Alan: Hello?
Me: Hey, what are you doing?
Alan: I'm at the [local poolhall/bar] with some buddies.
Me: ALright, I'll let you go.
Alan: Actually, I wanted to talk to you a little bit.
Me: Yeah? No shit.
Alan: Yeah, I was just thinking, and I realized that I don't want another long distance relationship, but I don't want to just hookup either.
Me: (thinking; weird, because I don't recall ever even suggesting EITHER of those situations. Hmm.) [actually said= Well that's all well and good, but I hardly think that avoiding the situation like that is the best way to go about handling that, don't you think? It really makes you look like an immature little boy, you know that right?
Alan: Yeah, I know.. I'm sorry, I feel bad.
Me: Good, because you should. You made me feel like an asshole, okay?
Alan: Yeah, I'm really sorry.
Me: Okay. Peace out.


I didn't need this guy to be my boyfriend, I didn't need to hook up with him. I had been talking to him for the past 8 months, and I wanted to hang out with him. Had you seen the emails he was sending, you'd have thought he was halfway interested too! I'm just pissed that he really thought the best way to deal with it was to avoid me like the plague for days on end.

I realize that men have this pre-conceived notion that women are these delicate flowers that need to be taken care of, but get off it. I can take care of myself, and I'm not stupid. I'm actually pretty smart. I read "Maybe He's Just Not That Into You", I know the signs when they're presented. I knew Saturday when he told me he didn't have his phone on him that he wasn't interested. So where's the harm in saying, "You know, I'm just not feelin' it, and I think we should just stop before we start." I can handle it really. Instead, ya piss me off by avoiding it.

No balls.

Where are the real men in the world?


ktg.

Get me out of here.

Okay. It's Wednesday. First things first. I feel like crap. I forgot to take my allergy meds yesterday, and it sent me into a downward spiral of post nasal drip. I woke up this morning feeling like I had been hit by a truck, and my throat was all crap from the drip. Came in to work anyways. Friday's a holiday, and I'm taking Thursday off due to the funeral of a guy I went to high school with. So I think I'll feel bad asking to leave early today.. But the truth is, I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING! Seriously. Not a thing. I've got all my filing caught up, all my orders are done, my desk is neat... There's nothing for me to do right now, and I don't know how much longer I can sit here. I feel nauseus, my nose won't stop running, I have a headache despite the three Ibuprofen I took this morning... I'm freezing, and it's not cold.. I just don't know what to do. My two immediate bosses aren't here, so that means I have to go higher up in the food chain to my supervisor. I just feel guilty about asking to leave, but I really don't feel good. I've got sick time and vacation time to use up, so I really don't see where there would be a problem. Usdgjkhasklgjhsgh.

Any words of advice?

As for the advising appointment I had last week at the community college, it went perfectly. the advisor was so much more help than I ever could have imagined. To make a long ( and uninteresting to you haha ) story short, my last day at the office is the 8th of August, and I start my 13 credit load on August 21st!! It's going to be incredible. I mean, as incredible as going to community college and living at home can be haha. I'll get my Associate's degree in Liberal Arts in 4 semesters, and then transfer out to one of the local state universities and get my Bachelor's in Music Business Production. =] So stoked.

Annnnd. Alan got in town this morning at midnight... So maybe I'll get to see him tonight!!! Excitedddd.


Too bad I feel like ass. I've got to get out of here.

There are paperclips EVERYWHERE!!

It's as if the paperclip factory exploded on my desk. I really have no other way to describe it. I have a big desk, and ON this big desk I keep my little container of paperclips (among other things of course). I'm constantly un-clipping and clipping papers with said paperclips... But it just blows my mind that no matter how often I pick these paperclips up off my desk and put them BACK in their container, they just end up everywhere again. I don't know how it happens! I think there's a little office gnome running around, scattering my paperclips. Seriously, they're under my speakers, my calculator, my phone, my moniter... I just really don't know how it works. It's aggravating.

It's pretty lame that I was sitting here proofing a co-workers work, and I was so annoyed by the sea of paperclips I was drowning in that I had to stop what I was doing to get on here and blog about it. That says a lot. It says that I have nothing better to write about haha.

OKAY so break from the clip woes. Alan* (names changed for anonymity) gets back in town in FIVE days. July first, he'll be here. I've never mentioned Alan before so here's a quick catch-you-up. I went to school with Alan back in the day, haven't seen him in person since the tenth grade. Tenth grade. That's approximately 5.5 years since I've seen him. He moved high schools and then when he graduated he joined the Navy and was off to San Diego. This past fall he found me on Facebook and we began talking all the time. He was around for all of the ridiculous drama I subjected myself to with the last guy in my life. We'll call him Paul. Not to say that I bombarded him with my woes every day, because I didn't. I just mean that after all the crap I had to deal with with Paul, I could always know that there'd be a friendly IM waiting for me from Alan. He was always so sweet. So anyways, Alan and I talked all the time, every day. It got to the point where it felt like if he was back home, there could be something there. I miss him, which is weird because I never really had him in the first place. But we connect, even if it's in such a distant way. He's said that when he's back in town, he wants to take me on a date! How adorable is that? I'm so excited for him to be here, I can't wait to see him and give him the biggest bear hug. He's given me something to look forward to all these days I've felt so glum.

Five days.

I've got to get back to work.. Just wanted to chat =] I'll write again tomorrow after my appointment with the advisor at the local community college. That's right... KTG's going back to school!


KTG.

We've got this down to a science, baby.

I haven't written in forever, which isn't really a problem for anyone else by myself. I'm pretty sure that no one reads this, it's only here out of my pure amusement.

I'm at work, and I have plenty of it to do, that's for sure. But some mornings I just can't seem to get it in gear. I woke up relatively early today, and in fear of not being able to wake up on my own if i shut off the alarm clock, I got up. I showered, decided against doing my hair, put my makeup on, and left the house. Dad's playing hookie this morning, so no carpooling. I haaaaate not carpooling! These gas prices are just NOT funny anymore. NOT. FUNNY. The last time I filled my tank I spent $65.39!!!! For like a 16 gallon tank. I swear. I drive a 1993 Chevy Blazer, and I used to be able to fill the tank for $43. No lie.

The past week was decent. No need to go into too much detail, I feel. Went on two dinner dates with good friends. Worked. Didn't go to the gym. Ugh. Friday afternoon I went around and did some errands, including Toys R Us to pick something up for my nephew's first birthday! And let me just tell you, he's the cutest thing ever.



What do you think? =] Now what you CAN'T see, is his hair. His light brown ringlets. They're just too much!! I bought him that onesie a few weeks ago, with the anchor on it. I'm obsessed with the whole nautical thing. I don't really know what it is, I just can't get enough of it! I'm in the process of redecorating my room, and I've already bought the blue, red and white sheets... And I'm going to put up a porthole mirror, and some searsucker in there somewhere. I've even got a giant anchor tattooed on my ribcage.

(I tried putting a picture of it here, but it's SOOOO huge!! I just can't get it to work.)

There's a story behind it, but no need to go into that right now either. OH YEAH. I was talking about something! I'm so ADD! So i'm convinced that my nephew will love firetrucks. I've decided. Haha. I bought him firetruck stuff for Christmas, and for his birthday this weekend I bought him a little Ride-On firetruck. It sings. It's adorable. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm absolutely in love with this little boy. He's my heart, seriously.

Around the time he was first born, I was having a lot of things going on in my life, a lot of negative things... And him coming into this world has really just restored my faith in life... With all the bad things that happen on a daily basis, things like him still happen. He's this little bundle of love, of life... His face lights up when he sees me... When I walk into a room, he'll run at me full speed with his arms up, and I just can't refrain from picking him up and smothering him with Auntie kisses. He's just my life.



(that's not me haha.)

So Father's Day was good too. My sister and I bought this huge backyard gazebo for our dad, and gave it to him last week so that we could build it together before my nephew's birthday party. Dad and I built it Saturday morning before the party. So on Sunday, My dad and my sister's fiancee went and played some golf. My mom and my aunt did some errands, and I was at home alone. So I sat on the couch, Myspaced, watched TV. And then felt really crappy about myself so I went to the gym and did 60 full minutes of cardio which HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN MY LIFE. I just don't do that. I wasn't going to do that much, (uhhh it's ridiculously tiring) but this gorrrrgeeeouuss guy got on the elliptical next to me... And I didn't want to seem like a wimp!! So. It sounds really shallow, but the way I see it, I pushed myself a lot harder than I would have anyways.. So what's it really matter? I cancelled my tanning package the other day because I never use it, but i have 30 days before it's officially cancelled, so I decided to go use it a little since it's right next to the gym.. When I went home everyone was back, and getting things ready for dinner. I showered up and all that, and we ate. We had burgers, salads, corn on the cob, that kind of thing. Here's the fun part. When dinner was over, there were like five ears of corn leftover... My dad and soon-to-be brother-in-law put money down saying I couldn't eat them all.

Six bucks later, I feel verrrrry full of corn, let me just say that. Totally worth it!! Haha. I love corn. And six bucks is six bucks! Good thing I spent all that time at the gym though!!

Now.. I feel like everyone's blogs have purpose to them... My favorite blogger I've come to find is this woman, that of course, I don't know. I just found it one day.. Her blog is about her life as a stay at home mom to three little kids. She's funny, she's happy, and her children are adorable, so I read it all the time. Another one I like is all about movies that the writer watches. Some people review restaurants, some people document their travels. I think I'll theme my blog, but it's a little depressing haha.

I'm going to write about my day to day life, which all in all isn't that interesting... But I'm going to write about my journey through heartbreak. I was burned quite badly by it this past year, and am just learning the methods on getting through it while keeping my sanity.

I'll delve deeper into the issue a little later maybe, but right now I've got to get to work... The latest lesson learned is that there are other sources of love in this world other than just the romantic kind from the opposite (in my personal preferance!) sex. My nephew for example. He shows me every day how to love more than I ever thought possible.

He's teaching me that it WILL be okay.


ktg.

Apologize to me, and mean it.

It’s April 9, 2008. This is not how I thought today would be, I have to be honest. Last summer, if you had asked me what I was going to be doing on April 9, 2008, I would have said that I would be celebrating my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. Alas, I am not. It is exactly one year ago today that he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I gleefully agreed. We had the best times, we really did. But when it was bad, it was bad. I think back through our relationship, and I can only come up with one statement.

I wish it had never happened.

I wish I had never decided to take it to the next level with him. Sure, I might not be the person that I am today, but honestly I would have been okay with that. What’s wrong with NOT being broken and scarred, cautious and scared? Because that’s what I am now. I used to have so much faith in love, but it’s gone away. I would love to be the person I was before he came along. I wouldn’t have had to go through the heartbreak that I did.

I’m doing fine, really I am. I’m talking to someone new, and he’s incredible. But there is no doubt that I am scarred. I am still broken, and I know this. I am over him; as in I’ve realized that I do not have the desire to be that woman in his life anymore. I don’t think about him every day anymore… But the wounds are still there, and though they fade, they fade slowly. I am forced to wonder if they’ll ever completely disappear.

Tomorrow is a new day.

ktg.

Wake up kids, we've got the dreamers disease.

A few different things here. I'm exhausted, and I really want to go to bed but I just put one of those mask things on my face, and it's still got like ten minutes. Let's see what I can accomplish before then.

I really don't like when people are terrified of the future to the point of not being able to talk about it. I can't gripe too much because I used to do exactly that. Rewind to junior and senior years in high school. Everyone started talking about college and I usually begged for a topic change. It really just stressed me out. But I got over it, you know? And I suppose the people I'm thinking about right now with this problem will get over it someday too, I just.. I don't know.

I asked a friend of mine what his plan B was. What if things didn't work out like he wanted them to, and he had to choose another path? He didn't want to talk about it, he said no offense. It's just, I guess I worry about him. I mean, I worry about all my friends of course. I just want them to be happy and successful. I think because I feel like my life is all out of whack, that maybe I can find some semblance of organization in other peoples lives. It just seems a little dramatic to me to be like, "Oh I don't know, and it terrifies me I don't want to talk about it." I just wonder, what, you have NO backup plan whatsoever? What if THIS happens? What if THAT happens? Nevermind, who am I to talk?

Tomorrow night is the Third Eye Blind concert. God, am I excited or what. I'm taking my sister with me, she's been a fan of them since SHE was in high school, like 8 years ago. I just got into them within the last year, thanks to The Ex, as we shall lovingly call him haha. I haven't spoken to or seen him since I last told him to stop contacting me, that I didn't want to see him anymore. (Makes sense huh haha.) The thing is, I know he's going to be there. It's going to be awkward if I run in to him. It's a big place, I really shouldn't. I've been doing really well since I finally took charge and told him basically to buzz off. But as much as I tell myself I won't look for him tomorrow, I know I will. Whatever though, you know? I've definitely moved on. He's not THAT person in my life anymore. I don't make myself crazy over it anymore. It's just a 'I wonder how he's doing now' kind of curiosity, and a 'Is he going to be with HER' curiosity. I might not be able to stop myself from publicly vomiting if she's there, I can't lie. It's not that she's hideous, I mean... Yeah, I feel like I'm more attractive than her, but that's not even what I'm talking about. It's more the sick feeling I get when I think about the fact that for a month of leading me to believe that he wanted me back he was still going home to her every night. Fuuuuckkeeedd upppp. But you know, that's just how he rolls. Heartbreakers, what can you do? MOVE THE FUCK ON, that's what. It's taken seven months, but I've done it. It's good.

American Idol tonight. Okay America, what the fuck. How could you POSSIBLY vote Syesha and Ramiele OVER Carly?? Carly is one of the best, if not THE best vocalist that competition has. I just don't get it. Some people just wouldn't know talent if it punched them in the face. Pisses me off.

That's all I've got right now, it's time to wash my face and go to bed.

PEACE!


ktg.

Gross.

I feel like ass today.

A very disorganized rant.

We had a really great time together. That handful of months we spent together were something I used to wish could have lasted forever. But not anymore. I see what you've become, I see the girl you've dubbed worthy of your time... It just doesn't make any sense to me, how you could stoop to the levels you have. You're a professional time waster. A professional bullshitter. A professional dream crusher. A professional cop-out. A professional liar. A professional drug addict. A professional heart breaker.

I told you the other day, that I don't want us to be angry anymore, that when I see you on the streets, I'll be friendly. But I also told you that I didn't want to see you again. We tried being friends, but it didn't work. Maybe for you it did, not for me. Maybe you noticed that during this 'friend' stage, you were the one calling me, emailing me, IMing me. I didn't try to get in contact with you whatsoever. If you wanted to hang out, I said sure. I just don't know what the hell it is you wanted from me. You didn't want to BE with me.. You didn't want to love me anymore, but you did want to spend a chunk of your free time with me. I freaking spent the night on your couch one night. You have a girlfriend. Yet I hung out with you from 3 pm to 11 am the next morning. Why did that happen? If I was your girlfriend, I'd be PISSED if you had exes hanging out with you at ALL, let alone OVER NIGHT. Makes me wonder what you were doing when I WAS your girlfriend.

You wanted to have your cake and eat it too. You wanted all the benefits I came with, an easy going girl who knew you really well to talk to, get coffee with, stay up late with, who would listen to... Yet you just wanted to be friends. I told you the other night though... We can't be friends. I either wanted it all, or nothing at all from you. I've finally come to the realization that you will never change. You will always be that guy- that charming on the outside, fucked up mess on the inside who doesn't believe in love. There's nothing left I can do for you, so I have to go. My time is up. I tried so hard for you. I was so in love with you. You left me hanging, and now I just have to go. What you're doing with your life right now is the same thing my dad said I was doing with you. You're settling. You could have so much more, but you refuse to work for anything. I guess that's something I've learned from you. I've learned that I want the best for myself. You'll never get the best for you, you don't want to work for it. But I know now. I deserve the best, and it's not you.

I have officially moved on. Just so you know. I still hate seeing the pictures of you and her together; frankly, I think she's disgusting. I hate seeing you in those pictures pretending to be happy when I know for a fact that you're not. You're a professional poser too. And she's disgusting. That's what we call 'White Trash' my friend. Take some notes.

Moral of the story. I loved you. We had a great time. But to see the person you've become; I'm ashamed to have ever called you my own. You turned into a person I never could have ended up with. I've moved on. Bigger and better things are coming my way. And while I wish the best for you, I really don't ever want to see you again.

Good Riddance.


ktg.

You, shook me all night long.

That's just the song I'm listening to haha.

It's been a relatively good day, I wish there was something for me to do now though. It's a Saturday morning and I woke up at 6:30 to be at the DMV. I got there at 7:40, the line was already wrapped around the building. They don't even open till 8! Anyways. I went in and was able to finally get my license all squared away. I then went to breakfast with an old friend, we had a good time. I went home, changed into my rainboots because it was raining, and then met Candice at the apartments so we could put in our application. We'll find out Monday or Tuesday if we've been approved! It's so exciting. I came home, took a three hour nap, and then stuck A Knight's Tale in. I love that movie. I'm still so sad that Heath Ledger passed. He was seriously an insanely talented actor, and the cinematic world, not at all unlike the rest of us, was not ready for him to be gone yet. God, he died in January, and it's already March. It's absurd how time flies.

I don't really have anything of any substance to write today...



I guess maybe I'll go up to the restaurant and get a bite to eat. By myself. Haha.





One hundred and eight days.




ktg.

I don't even know.

I hate scary movies. It's a fact. They just plain scare the shit out of me. I suppose I'd watch one if I had a cute boyfriend who was way into scary movies, and then I'd have to use it as an excuse to cuddle up during it... But other than that, I really don't like them. None of that "Saw" or "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" mess for me. No thank you.

There's an exception. True stories. I get a serious kick out of movies that are based on true stories! I totally love those books that are all about the serial killers and worst murderers of our time and things like that. Really weird, I'm aware. Anyways, movies like "Catch Me If You Can", "Erin Brokovich", "300"... All those 'Based on a true story' movies. I've never seen "The Exorcism of Emily Rose", but I'd like to. Kind of like "Exorcism" (which I have seen,) but based on a real girl.

ANYWAYS. I have a point. I was watching "Monster" last night for the first time. The one with Charlize Theron playing prostitute gone serial killer, Aileen Wuornos. Good freaking movie, but one thing really makes me think. This woman, yes she was freaking insane. Just insane. But the way she got to killing just bothers me. (duh, right?) She had gotten in this car with this strange man, and they drove to the middle of the woods so that she could, well, you know. So they're talking, and then he turns freaking psycho on her. He knocks her unconscious, ties her up, beats the crap out of her and rapes her a few times. And not always with HIM... If you get my drift. He was being seriously brutal about the whole thing. So, he goes to his trunk to get something, and she wriggle free of the ropes binding her in the car. She grabs the gun out of her purse and waits for him to come back. He walks back to the door and she just shoots him. He falls to the ground, and she keeps shooting him. She unLOADS those rounds right into the guy, and when she ran out of ammo she started beating him with the gun. He was so dead.

Here's where I think she went wrong. (Aside from becoming a prostitute at 13, of course.) She drags him further into a field, covers him up and leaves him there. She changes into some different clothes that she found in his car, cleans the mess out of his car, and drives off as if nothing happened. Right there is where she made the mistake. She SHOULD have gone straight to the Police and been like 'Look, this guy just raped and beat the hell out of me.' She would have the bruises, the cuts, the dna and the fresh blood to prove it. She could have told them this, and then told them that she shot him, and she would have been fine! Turns out that the guy had been previously convicted of violent rape a few times in the past, so I doubt the Police would have had a hard time believing her when she said she killed him in self defense.

Anyways. That pisses me off. Instead of telling the authorities what she did, (which was JUSTIFIED) she tried to cover it up. Because this guy messed with her head and violated her so intensely, she couldn't bring herself to work the street anymore. I mean, she DID, but right when it was time to 'get down to business' so to speak, she shot them instead. So yeah. Spent 12 years on Florida's death row and was executed in '02.

Woman could have gone free. But noooo.


That's all.

Prove it.

A few of my friends have this new thing they like to do, it's sort of a threat. They get on MySpace, and then they post a bulletin saying something to the effect of, "I'm tired of being treated like dirt, I need friends who care about me, I'm weeding out the crappy ones... If you're my friend, PROVE IT TO ME."

Now, maybe it's just me, but I find that a tad insulting. Why should I have to prove myself to you? Why shouldn't it be YOU that's proving yourself to me? They make it sound like I'm not a good enough friend for them to just BE MY FRIEND without me having to jump through hoops to provide reasons why I'm a good friend. It doesn't at ALL make me want to reply to them and be like " Oh [insert name here], I'm so sorry I haven't made it obvious that I value our friendship... Here, to prove that I deserve to be your friend, let me take you out to dinner!!" No. Instead it makes me want to reply and be like, "Forget it. If I haven't proven myself to you over the years by simply being the best friend I could possibly be, by being there for you when you need someone to talk to, or you needed to be comforted... Or that time you were blitzed out of your mind and needed a ride, or that time your 'boyfriend' kicked you out AGAIN... Then it doesn't look like you'll ever truly value what I have to offer as a friend. Maybe you DO need new friends, go ahead and weed me out."

I just can't stand it. People who want to just sit back and have the friends come to them on their knees all the time. Freaking FORGET it. I've been through more in the past two years than a lot of twenty year olds could really even imagine... And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that I value MYSELF far too much to WAIT AROUND for people. I don't chase. I've had the relationships that have ended, and I've chased after them, and prodded at them for answers, validation, clarification, closure.. Never works out. It only really works for me if I sever a relationship cleanly as soon as I know it's over.

Never would I post something public telling the 'friends' in my life that they needed to prove themselves to me. I know who my friends are, and they show their friendship to me every day by just simply BEING my friends. I love them to the death, and they know who they are.

That's my gripe for today I guess. Got a lot of work to accomplish today, better get started.

ktg.

The first one.

This is the first blog post. I'm at work, and I have a ridiculous deadline to meet... I really wanted to get this set up though! So, off I go; back to work. I'll come back later though, I promise.

ktg.