I'm in a musical.
It's about Zombies.
I have a HUGE crush on my director.
Whew.
-ktg.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
I waited around to see my ex-first love.
Interesting lyrics. A man/Me/Then Jim by Rilo Kiley. The lyrics actually say 'Her' and 'She'.. I changed them for the situation at hand. Let's look at this, shall we?
I waited around to see my ex first love
And I barely recognized him,
but I knew exactly what he was thinking of.
We sat quietly in the corner whispering close about loss.
And I remembered why I loved him,
and I asked him why I drove him off.
Needless to say, I met with Paul again today. I notice that I really only blog after something happens with him. I've thought about it, and I think that this is because after I do, I'm filled with so many different emotions, so many different things going on in my head and I know that none of my friends want to listen to me go on about this boy who broke my heart so long ago.
We walked around the mall, got some coffee, and he complained about his girlfriend. Like he usually does. I mean.. I like hearing him talk crap about her haha... But then, he's still talking about her.
I don't know. It's stupid. He wants to see me again next week. Whyyy do I do this to myself? He's so bad, but he's so gorgeous, and I just always remember all the good times we had, how he used to make me feel.. It's not until he leaves that I pull up all the things I hate about him. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
On another note, I did this facebook thing where you write 25 things about yourself, then tag 25 of your friends and then they have to do it too... I thought my list was pretty good, so I'm gonna post it here.
1. I played the cello for almost 10 years and then I fell out of love with it. It's been three years, and I miss it terribly.
2. I cry at the silliest things. Zack and Kelly broke up on Saved By The Bell this morning. I teared.
3. My world has been ROCKED by suicide; this is why you will never hear me joke, or laugh when someone ELSE jokes "Oh I could just kill myself." I do not think that it's at all funny.
4. I fell in love with a boy once. He broke my heart and I haven't been the same since. I'm okay, just not the same.
5. I believe in God, and I go to church occasionally. But God has never 'called' to me, and I honestly don't even know what people mean when they say that.
6. I can get very jealous. You can't always tell I'm jealous, I think I hide it well.
7. I HATE when people don't use their blinkers... But in all actuality, I don't even use mine all that much.
8. I would rather be late for class than to show up without having showered or but my make-up on. I'm not high maintainence, I just like being clean and pretty.
9. That being said; I am never early, sometimes on time, and usually late. If you want me somewhere by 7, you should tell me to be there by 6:30.
10. I kiss my hand and smack the ceiling when I go through a yellow light. Every time.
11. I feel music. I mean really feel it. I feel it in my bones and in my muscles. I feel it in my heart and in my soul. It seriously resonates within me in a way that lets me know that music is what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life. It's the only thing in this world that I'm sure of.
12. I want to own my own record label. I have friends that have way too much talent for their own good, and that I want to share with the world. They need to be known. (Sam's The Hero, Madison, Elana, these people are you.)
13. My worst enemy growing up was my sister. She is also my best friend of all time.
14. I honestly, truly believe that my nephew, Ollie Kyle Faithful, is the cutest, sweetest baby in the entire world, and that I'm not just biased.
15. I am a Libra, and with that comes my innate fear of being alone.
16. I have seven best friends. Seven. Whoever said that you could only have one best friend simply did not know the people that I know. Amanda, Angelica, Laura, Callah, Elana, Geoffrey and Madison. My seven best friends.
17. 'Kucharski' means 'Chef' in Polish. True to my name, I love to cook. I make an incredible breakfast sandwich, a mean chicken parmesan, and ridiculous ginger snaps. I can't make pancakes to save my life.
18. I'm really proud of my Polish ancestry, and I want my cousin Nick and his wife Crystal to have a little baby boy... Nick is the last one who can pass on the Kucharski name!!!
19. I have moved 11 times. Only three of these times were ordered by the Navy. The rest? My parents were bored. 6 of these moves were within 5 miles of each other. One time we moved up the street a few houses.
20. I'm taking Spanish 2 at TCC. This is my 5th year of Spanish. I have an A.
21. I want to get married someday, but am not one of those girls who has any desire to do it right now. I am more than okay with being 30 before it happens. I don't want to be married until I'm completely finished with all my college, and then I don't want kids until a few years after I'm married. I plan on having my husband all to myself for a while. Oh, and I only want to marry once.
22. I was initiated into the Upsilon class of the Gamma Sigma chapter of Phi Sigma Sigma in the fall of 2006. I miss my sisters when they're not around. Which is all the time.
23. My favorite song in the whole world is Walking in Memphis, by Marc Cohn.
24. A few months back I finally upgraded from my twin mattress… (Yes, I had a twin up until age 20…) and bought a queen sized King’s Down Pillowtop… It is THE most comfortable bed that anyone has ever slept on in life… I just think that you should be jealous, that’s all.
25. It took me four days to write this list, and even longer to decide who I was going to tag in it. And I just wasted a whole number on this, but I had run out of facts, so it’s okay haha.
Until next time...
ktg.
I waited around to see my ex first love
And I barely recognized him,
but I knew exactly what he was thinking of.
We sat quietly in the corner whispering close about loss.
And I remembered why I loved him,
and I asked him why I drove him off.
Needless to say, I met with Paul again today. I notice that I really only blog after something happens with him. I've thought about it, and I think that this is because after I do, I'm filled with so many different emotions, so many different things going on in my head and I know that none of my friends want to listen to me go on about this boy who broke my heart so long ago.
We walked around the mall, got some coffee, and he complained about his girlfriend. Like he usually does. I mean.. I like hearing him talk crap about her haha... But then, he's still talking about her.
I don't know. It's stupid. He wants to see me again next week. Whyyy do I do this to myself? He's so bad, but he's so gorgeous, and I just always remember all the good times we had, how he used to make me feel.. It's not until he leaves that I pull up all the things I hate about him. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
On another note, I did this facebook thing where you write 25 things about yourself, then tag 25 of your friends and then they have to do it too... I thought my list was pretty good, so I'm gonna post it here.
1. I played the cello for almost 10 years and then I fell out of love with it. It's been three years, and I miss it terribly.
2. I cry at the silliest things. Zack and Kelly broke up on Saved By The Bell this morning. I teared.
3. My world has been ROCKED by suicide; this is why you will never hear me joke, or laugh when someone ELSE jokes "Oh I could just kill myself." I do not think that it's at all funny.
4. I fell in love with a boy once. He broke my heart and I haven't been the same since. I'm okay, just not the same.
5. I believe in God, and I go to church occasionally. But God has never 'called' to me, and I honestly don't even know what people mean when they say that.
6. I can get very jealous. You can't always tell I'm jealous, I think I hide it well.
7. I HATE when people don't use their blinkers... But in all actuality, I don't even use mine all that much.
8. I would rather be late for class than to show up without having showered or but my make-up on. I'm not high maintainence, I just like being clean and pretty.
9. That being said; I am never early, sometimes on time, and usually late. If you want me somewhere by 7, you should tell me to be there by 6:30.
10. I kiss my hand and smack the ceiling when I go through a yellow light. Every time.
11. I feel music. I mean really feel it. I feel it in my bones and in my muscles. I feel it in my heart and in my soul. It seriously resonates within me in a way that lets me know that music is what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life. It's the only thing in this world that I'm sure of.
12. I want to own my own record label. I have friends that have way too much talent for their own good, and that I want to share with the world. They need to be known. (Sam's The Hero, Madison, Elana, these people are you.)
13. My worst enemy growing up was my sister. She is also my best friend of all time.
14. I honestly, truly believe that my nephew, Ollie Kyle Faithful, is the cutest, sweetest baby in the entire world, and that I'm not just biased.
15. I am a Libra, and with that comes my innate fear of being alone.
16. I have seven best friends. Seven. Whoever said that you could only have one best friend simply did not know the people that I know. Amanda, Angelica, Laura, Callah, Elana, Geoffrey and Madison. My seven best friends.
17. 'Kucharski' means 'Chef' in Polish. True to my name, I love to cook. I make an incredible breakfast sandwich, a mean chicken parmesan, and ridiculous ginger snaps. I can't make pancakes to save my life.
18. I'm really proud of my Polish ancestry, and I want my cousin Nick and his wife Crystal to have a little baby boy... Nick is the last one who can pass on the Kucharski name!!!
19. I have moved 11 times. Only three of these times were ordered by the Navy. The rest? My parents were bored. 6 of these moves were within 5 miles of each other. One time we moved up the street a few houses.
20. I'm taking Spanish 2 at TCC. This is my 5th year of Spanish. I have an A.
21. I want to get married someday, but am not one of those girls who has any desire to do it right now. I am more than okay with being 30 before it happens. I don't want to be married until I'm completely finished with all my college, and then I don't want kids until a few years after I'm married. I plan on having my husband all to myself for a while. Oh, and I only want to marry once.
22. I was initiated into the Upsilon class of the Gamma Sigma chapter of Phi Sigma Sigma in the fall of 2006. I miss my sisters when they're not around. Which is all the time.
23. My favorite song in the whole world is Walking in Memphis, by Marc Cohn.
24. A few months back I finally upgraded from my twin mattress… (Yes, I had a twin up until age 20…) and bought a queen sized King’s Down Pillowtop… It is THE most comfortable bed that anyone has ever slept on in life… I just think that you should be jealous, that’s all.
25. It took me four days to write this list, and even longer to decide who I was going to tag in it. And I just wasted a whole number on this, but I had run out of facts, so it’s okay haha.
Until next time...
ktg.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Love was surely made for fools like me...
"Fools Like Me"
-Lisa Loeb
Everybody go
The party's over
I want to be alone in my head
In my bed tonight
You never show
You must really love her
You think I don't know
But I do, yeah it's true
I think over is over
I'm right back where I started
(when it comes to wanting you)
I can't have what I wanted
[Chorus]
But I did, I can
I was, I am
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
If love is blind
If love's a drug
It always is
It always was and
Love was surely made for fools like me
I know where I'm going
I'm tripping I'm sliding around
That's ok
At least I'm excited
It wasn't how I planned it
(wasn't how I planned it
Feet are where I landed
At least I understand it now)
My feet are where I landed
(feet are staying on the ground)
[Chorus]
Fools like me
Fools like me
I did, I can
I was, I am
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
Maybe it's the sanest thing
Or just the sweetest kind of dream
But love was surely made for fools
(Love was surely made for fools)
Love was surely made for fools
(Love was surely made for fools)
Love was surely made for fools like me
-Lisa Loeb
Everybody go
The party's over
I want to be alone in my head
In my bed tonight
You never show
You must really love her
You think I don't know
But I do, yeah it's true
I think over is over
I'm right back where I started
(when it comes to wanting you)
I can't have what I wanted
[Chorus]
But I did, I can
I was, I am
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
If love is blind
If love's a drug
It always is
It always was and
Love was surely made for fools like me
I know where I'm going
I'm tripping I'm sliding around
That's ok
At least I'm excited
It wasn't how I planned it
(wasn't how I planned it
Feet are where I landed
At least I understand it now)
My feet are where I landed
(feet are staying on the ground)
[Chorus]
Fools like me
Fools like me
I did, I can
I was, I am
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
Maybe it's the sanest thing
Or just the sweetest kind of dream
But love was surely made for fools
(Love was surely made for fools)
Love was surely made for fools
(Love was surely made for fools)
Love was surely made for fools like me
Saturday, January 24, 2009
If I had one wish, I'd wish for two.
I really don't even know what the heck is wrong with me.
Let's start with this, I wrote a huuuge blog yesterday about how I hung out with Paul. yes, THAT Paul. And I went to post it, and my computer flipped out on me and I lost the whole thing.
FUCKING awesome. So yeah, I hung out with him for 2.5 hours yesterday at a coffee shop. It was good, we talked about everything. What's going on in our lives, how we've been... He's now living with the girlfriend that he got approximately five minutes after he dumped me... And I haven't dated anybody since. Weird. God she's nasty.
Anyways, he came over to the house I'm housesitting at tonight. He was only here for two hours or so, and he brought his swim trunks in case we decided to go in the hot tub. Yeah I know, probably a terrible idea. Keep your panties on though, we didn't go in. It was more awkward today than it was yesterday though, I couldn't tell you why. It came up that he can't exactly tell his girl that he's talking to me again. He told her he was going to his brother's house when he came to mine. Of course I understand, I'd have that nasty bitch at my throat in a heartbeat if she knew. (Oh my God Sugarland's STAY just came on. Kill me now.) BUT I hate being people's SECRET FRIENDS. He's not the only friend I have who has to lie to his girlfriend every time he wants to see me. It's fucking ridiculous. How come he gets everything HE wants, but I can't get anything that I want?
I texted him when he left, because I'm a glutton for punishment. Seriously, what is wrong with me? It's like I'm throwing myself at him screaming, "HURT ME! Hurt me again! I didn't GET it the first four times. TELL ME AGAIN how you don't want to be with me, PLEASE, hurt me again.." ANYways. I texted him and I said, 'A little weird, yes?' Because there was an obvious awkwardness that wasn't there yesterday. And he called me. Not texted. Why?? I don't phone very well. I can't mask my cowardness when it comes to him when I'm on the phone. That's why I texted him!! Needless to say I didn't answer. He texted back a few minutes later... 'Well I got home, so can't text anymore. So until morning, night!' Why does he sound so chipper? I'm sitting here wanting to smash my head on the desk, and he's about to climb into bed with his gross girlfriend.
It's not fair, that was supposed to be mine. He was supposed to be mine.
Where is MY happiness?
Well, 'UNTIL MORNING,' (ugh.)
ktg.
Let's start with this, I wrote a huuuge blog yesterday about how I hung out with Paul. yes, THAT Paul. And I went to post it, and my computer flipped out on me and I lost the whole thing.
FUCKING awesome. So yeah, I hung out with him for 2.5 hours yesterday at a coffee shop. It was good, we talked about everything. What's going on in our lives, how we've been... He's now living with the girlfriend that he got approximately five minutes after he dumped me... And I haven't dated anybody since. Weird. God she's nasty.
Anyways, he came over to the house I'm housesitting at tonight. He was only here for two hours or so, and he brought his swim trunks in case we decided to go in the hot tub. Yeah I know, probably a terrible idea. Keep your panties on though, we didn't go in. It was more awkward today than it was yesterday though, I couldn't tell you why. It came up that he can't exactly tell his girl that he's talking to me again. He told her he was going to his brother's house when he came to mine. Of course I understand, I'd have that nasty bitch at my throat in a heartbeat if she knew. (Oh my God Sugarland's STAY just came on. Kill me now.) BUT I hate being people's SECRET FRIENDS. He's not the only friend I have who has to lie to his girlfriend every time he wants to see me. It's fucking ridiculous. How come he gets everything HE wants, but I can't get anything that I want?
I texted him when he left, because I'm a glutton for punishment. Seriously, what is wrong with me? It's like I'm throwing myself at him screaming, "HURT ME! Hurt me again! I didn't GET it the first four times. TELL ME AGAIN how you don't want to be with me, PLEASE, hurt me again.." ANYways. I texted him and I said, 'A little weird, yes?' Because there was an obvious awkwardness that wasn't there yesterday. And he called me. Not texted. Why?? I don't phone very well. I can't mask my cowardness when it comes to him when I'm on the phone. That's why I texted him!! Needless to say I didn't answer. He texted back a few minutes later... 'Well I got home, so can't text anymore. So until morning, night!' Why does he sound so chipper? I'm sitting here wanting to smash my head on the desk, and he's about to climb into bed with his gross girlfriend.
It's not fair, that was supposed to be mine. He was supposed to be mine.
Where is MY happiness?
Well, 'UNTIL MORNING,' (ugh.)
ktg.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta.....
My best friend is in her second semester of her freshman year at the university in town, and she's rushing a sorority.
I'm SOOO excited for her, the girls she's looking to become a part of seem to be really sweet girls, and she just gushes about them all the time. I know from my own experience in rushing, pledging, and joining a sorority, all the fun and excitement and the nervousness that she's feeling right now.
Here's the problem. I'm ridiculously, ridiculously jealous. Yes, I'm a part of my own sorority.. But, I joined in the fall of my freshman year, in 2006. I finished the school year at that school in 2007 and I never went back. I came home and have been going to school here. I mean, I'm still a sister, but I haven't been back in so long, and I was only there for 2 semesters. It sounds SO bad, but I joined what campus referred to as the fat girl sorority. They exaggerated, but Greeks are fucking mean. We had a few heavy girls, but they were beautiful to me, they were my sisters. We partied OCCASIONALLY, but we were the strictest on campus. We didn't do the same kinds of things that other sororities did, and I often look back on my time with them and feel as if I was jipped of my Greek experience. It's 2009 now. It's been AGES since I was active in my sorority. I only still talk to ONE of my sisters. ONE OF THEM. Shit, we were the only sorority on campus that prohibited their girls from being labeled Bigs and Littles!!!! To me, that's one of the biggest parts of the whole institution. Bigs and Littles, and we got our wrists slapped at the mention of it.
So here my friend is, having a grand old time having the kind of sorority life that I wish I had had. I want so badly to be happy for her, but I'm just so incredibly jealous, I don't know what to do. I want her to be able to talk to me about it, but it really hurts my heart to hear her so excited about it. It's like heartbreak, I swear.
I'm at the community college right now but I'll be transferring to her university next year. I want the sorority life I feel like I should have had. I still feel loyal to my sisterhood, and feel like maybe I should start my own chapter, but seriously that's a whole lot more responsibility than I think I could handle. But if I dissaffiliate from them, so I can join a DIFFERENT sorority, in hopes that I get the experience I wanted... I'll feel like a traitor.. I just don't know what to do.
I hope someone reads this, I really need some input!
I'm SOOO excited for her, the girls she's looking to become a part of seem to be really sweet girls, and she just gushes about them all the time. I know from my own experience in rushing, pledging, and joining a sorority, all the fun and excitement and the nervousness that she's feeling right now.
Here's the problem. I'm ridiculously, ridiculously jealous. Yes, I'm a part of my own sorority.. But, I joined in the fall of my freshman year, in 2006. I finished the school year at that school in 2007 and I never went back. I came home and have been going to school here. I mean, I'm still a sister, but I haven't been back in so long, and I was only there for 2 semesters. It sounds SO bad, but I joined what campus referred to as the fat girl sorority. They exaggerated, but Greeks are fucking mean. We had a few heavy girls, but they were beautiful to me, they were my sisters. We partied OCCASIONALLY, but we were the strictest on campus. We didn't do the same kinds of things that other sororities did, and I often look back on my time with them and feel as if I was jipped of my Greek experience. It's 2009 now. It's been AGES since I was active in my sorority. I only still talk to ONE of my sisters. ONE OF THEM. Shit, we were the only sorority on campus that prohibited their girls from being labeled Bigs and Littles!!!! To me, that's one of the biggest parts of the whole institution. Bigs and Littles, and we got our wrists slapped at the mention of it.
So here my friend is, having a grand old time having the kind of sorority life that I wish I had had. I want so badly to be happy for her, but I'm just so incredibly jealous, I don't know what to do. I want her to be able to talk to me about it, but it really hurts my heart to hear her so excited about it. It's like heartbreak, I swear.
I'm at the community college right now but I'll be transferring to her university next year. I want the sorority life I feel like I should have had. I still feel loyal to my sisterhood, and feel like maybe I should start my own chapter, but seriously that's a whole lot more responsibility than I think I could handle. But if I dissaffiliate from them, so I can join a DIFFERENT sorority, in hopes that I get the experience I wanted... I'll feel like a traitor.. I just don't know what to do.
I hope someone reads this, I really need some input!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Deeper than bones.
Wow.
I haven't written since July 10th, 2008. It's 2009 now! There's so much to say, I don't even know where to begin.
The biggest thing I can think of recently happening was my run-in with Paul. You remember, that ex that I vowed to never speak to again? Well. I didn't have any choice in the matter.
It had been 8 months since I had messaged him, and 10 months since I had seen him in person. Well, earlier this month I had my two best friends Annette* and Grace* over for some drinks and TVing. Just a regular little girl's night in. Around 1am I get a phone call from a number I don't know, so I don't answer it. They called again, I ignored. They called again, so I picked it up. The guy was like, 'Heyyy, this is Jay, you remember me? Paul's friend?' --Yeah, when I was with Paul, he had two best friends.. Jay and Chuck. They both had girlfriends, and the 6 of us would always hang out, so yes.. I knew who he was when he was calling. Anyways, he was super drunk on the phone and was like 'Loook, it's been a long time, but I'm really sorry, I just had to call and tell you something...' At this point I'm seriously thinking that he's about to tell me that Paul had overdosed on something and is dead. That's not the case.
'Look, I've just liked you for such a long time, and I think you're a great girl.. Paul really screwed up when he let you go and' blah blah blah. So anyways he loves me or whatever and is telling me that he's on his way to my house. I'm like, 'Jay, you don't know where I live, you've never been to my house.' But then he tells me that no, Paul used to drive past my house all the time after we broke up, sooo he knows juuust where I live, and he's going to walk here to meet me. I try convincing him not to come, he's too drunk and it's freezing outside, not to mention it's 1am and my parents are sleeping. He just keeps telling me he loves me and hangs up.
Bout a half hour goes by and I start to walk Annette out to her car so she can leave for the night.... And there's a guy walking up my street. Yeah. No kidding. It's Jay. He stops in front of my house and just sits down in the street. I go to talk to him and a few minutes later the girls are with me in the street. We all talk for a little, Jay is PISS drunk, and then another person starts walking up the street. It's Chuck. I'm like Jesus, I haven't seen either of these guys since beFORE the last time I even saw Paul, this is crazy. Anyways, Chuck says he followed Jay, but I think he was too far behind him to have been able to accurately follow him... So I guess he was with Paul a bunch too for the drivebys past my house. Anyways Jay starts getting a little beligerent, Chuck's able to calm him down. I ask them if they need a ride to wherever they're going, and Chuck assures me they have someone coming to get them, so I'm like okay.
A little white car pulls up and who the fuck gets out of the car??? Yeah. Fucking Paul. Hadn't seen the guy in like a thousand years and then all of a sudden he's in my driveway. Jay sees him and lunges, (oh I forget this part.. Jay and Paul aren't friends anymore because Jay thinks Paul sucks for all the drugs he does and all that). So Jay lunnnges at Paul and pushes him. But he's WASTED so there's not much he can do! They're all three fighting in the street and then Paul's able to get Jay in the back of the car. He's like 'Alright well it was good seeing you guy's!' and they start to drive away. Jay gets his window down and starts screaming my name out of it, along with 'I loooove youuuu!!! I love youuuu!!' SO yeah.
Paul calls a little later and apologizes for everything.
Long story short. We text now. It's fucking weird. We messaged on Facebook for a while, then he told me I could text him and I did. I know he's still got his girlfriend, but I still can't leave it alone! I was doing so well, and then all of a sudden these wounds are just ripped right back open. I don't know what I'm doing this to myself for.
I was so over it, and now it's just back. Except it's not, it's not like I can have him back, I can't. So I'm just hurting myself by allowing myself to talk to him...
It's so warped, but I wish I could see him again.
I'm such a mess!!
I haven't written since July 10th, 2008. It's 2009 now! There's so much to say, I don't even know where to begin.
The biggest thing I can think of recently happening was my run-in with Paul. You remember, that ex that I vowed to never speak to again? Well. I didn't have any choice in the matter.
It had been 8 months since I had messaged him, and 10 months since I had seen him in person. Well, earlier this month I had my two best friends Annette* and Grace* over for some drinks and TVing. Just a regular little girl's night in. Around 1am I get a phone call from a number I don't know, so I don't answer it. They called again, I ignored. They called again, so I picked it up. The guy was like, 'Heyyy, this is Jay, you remember me? Paul's friend?' --Yeah, when I was with Paul, he had two best friends.. Jay and Chuck. They both had girlfriends, and the 6 of us would always hang out, so yes.. I knew who he was when he was calling. Anyways, he was super drunk on the phone and was like 'Loook, it's been a long time, but I'm really sorry, I just had to call and tell you something...' At this point I'm seriously thinking that he's about to tell me that Paul had overdosed on something and is dead. That's not the case.
'Look, I've just liked you for such a long time, and I think you're a great girl.. Paul really screwed up when he let you go and' blah blah blah. So anyways he loves me or whatever and is telling me that he's on his way to my house. I'm like, 'Jay, you don't know where I live, you've never been to my house.' But then he tells me that no, Paul used to drive past my house all the time after we broke up, sooo he knows juuust where I live, and he's going to walk here to meet me. I try convincing him not to come, he's too drunk and it's freezing outside, not to mention it's 1am and my parents are sleeping. He just keeps telling me he loves me and hangs up.
Bout a half hour goes by and I start to walk Annette out to her car so she can leave for the night.... And there's a guy walking up my street. Yeah. No kidding. It's Jay. He stops in front of my house and just sits down in the street. I go to talk to him and a few minutes later the girls are with me in the street. We all talk for a little, Jay is PISS drunk, and then another person starts walking up the street. It's Chuck. I'm like Jesus, I haven't seen either of these guys since beFORE the last time I even saw Paul, this is crazy. Anyways, Chuck says he followed Jay, but I think he was too far behind him to have been able to accurately follow him... So I guess he was with Paul a bunch too for the drivebys past my house. Anyways Jay starts getting a little beligerent, Chuck's able to calm him down. I ask them if they need a ride to wherever they're going, and Chuck assures me they have someone coming to get them, so I'm like okay.
A little white car pulls up and who the fuck gets out of the car??? Yeah. Fucking Paul. Hadn't seen the guy in like a thousand years and then all of a sudden he's in my driveway. Jay sees him and lunges, (oh I forget this part.. Jay and Paul aren't friends anymore because Jay thinks Paul sucks for all the drugs he does and all that). So Jay lunnnges at Paul and pushes him. But he's WASTED so there's not much he can do! They're all three fighting in the street and then Paul's able to get Jay in the back of the car. He's like 'Alright well it was good seeing you guy's!' and they start to drive away. Jay gets his window down and starts screaming my name out of it, along with 'I loooove youuuu!!! I love youuuu!!' SO yeah.
Paul calls a little later and apologizes for everything.
Long story short. We text now. It's fucking weird. We messaged on Facebook for a while, then he told me I could text him and I did. I know he's still got his girlfriend, but I still can't leave it alone! I was doing so well, and then all of a sudden these wounds are just ripped right back open. I don't know what I'm doing this to myself for.
I was so over it, and now it's just back. Except it's not, it's not like I can have him back, I can't. So I'm just hurting myself by allowing myself to talk to him...
It's so warped, but I wish I could see him again.
I'm such a mess!!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
No balls.
That's all. I have been reminded WHY exactly it is that I don't bother with younger guys. Because they have NO cajones. None whatsoever.
I'll see if I can make this long story short.
Alan got into town last Wednesday. In fact, shortly after I wrote my last post, he showed up at my office! To surprise me. How freaking adorable. After I got back to work and he left, I had a much better afternoon. He picked me up that evening and we went and saw Hancock with some of his friends. (fantastic film, by the way. I saw it again last night haha.) We had a great time, we really did. We hit it off super well, and I so enjoyed his company. It felt like he was never gone. We held hands like little kids, and kissed at red lights. Cute. He dropped me off at home and that was that. I wouldn't see him the next day (thursday) because of family things he had to do. I understood completely.
Sooo Friday (4th of July) my family had a 4th of July party at the house. You know, pool, grill, family and friends. The way it's supposed to be done as far as I'm concerned. He was able to show up for an hour, but then had to leave again. We had fun while he was there though, had some grub, went swimming, he met my family.. All that good stuff. When he was leaving he told me that he didn't know what he was doing that eveing, that he might give me a call. Already a red flag, I don't like feeling like I'm supposed to wait around for some chump's phone call. Anyways. I ended up calling HIM at 10 that night to see if he was interested in going to the beach with me and some friends the next day. He was all in to it, and told me to call him in the morning. The morning comes. I called three times from 9am to 11am, no answer. I left messages asking to call me back, that I wanted to head out soon. Called him again at noon and left ANOTHER message telling him I was going to the beach, told him what street we were at in case he wanted to join, and to call me.
Hanging out at a girlfriend's house later, she urges me to call him one more time. It was 6:30ish, so I gave it a shot. No answer! Still! Left a snippy message, and he called back within the half hour. "Sorry, I didn't have my phone on me all day." ... Are you fucking serious? You were supposed to be expecting my call. We had plans. You can't just not have your phone on you. Besides, the boy has my number memorized, I know it, so why didn't he use ANY other phone in the world to tell me he was busy instead of just ditching me? No balls. He said that he was about to go hang out with a buddy, and that we should hang out the next day (sunday). I told him that I would not be calling him, that if he wanted to see me, he'd have to call me. He called Sunday at noon, but I was in the little girls room. As soon as I came out like a minute later, I called him back. Surprise, surprise. Voicemail. Told him I was sorry I missed his call, to call me back. That was Sunday.
SO THEN LAST NIGHT (WEDNESDAY) I caved, and called. He answered.
Alan: Hello?
Me: Hey, what are you doing?
Alan: I'm at the [local poolhall/bar] with some buddies.
Me: ALright, I'll let you go.
Alan: Actually, I wanted to talk to you a little bit.
Me: Yeah? No shit.
Alan: Yeah, I was just thinking, and I realized that I don't want another long distance relationship, but I don't want to just hookup either.
Me: (thinking; weird, because I don't recall ever even suggesting EITHER of those situations. Hmm.) [actually said= Well that's all well and good, but I hardly think that avoiding the situation like that is the best way to go about handling that, don't you think? It really makes you look like an immature little boy, you know that right?
Alan: Yeah, I know.. I'm sorry, I feel bad.
Me: Good, because you should. You made me feel like an asshole, okay?
Alan: Yeah, I'm really sorry.
Me: Okay. Peace out.
I didn't need this guy to be my boyfriend, I didn't need to hook up with him. I had been talking to him for the past 8 months, and I wanted to hang out with him. Had you seen the emails he was sending, you'd have thought he was halfway interested too! I'm just pissed that he really thought the best way to deal with it was to avoid me like the plague for days on end.
I realize that men have this pre-conceived notion that women are these delicate flowers that need to be taken care of, but get off it. I can take care of myself, and I'm not stupid. I'm actually pretty smart. I read "Maybe He's Just Not That Into You", I know the signs when they're presented. I knew Saturday when he told me he didn't have his phone on him that he wasn't interested. So where's the harm in saying, "You know, I'm just not feelin' it, and I think we should just stop before we start." I can handle it really. Instead, ya piss me off by avoiding it.
No balls.
Where are the real men in the world?
ktg.
I'll see if I can make this long story short.
Alan got into town last Wednesday. In fact, shortly after I wrote my last post, he showed up at my office! To surprise me. How freaking adorable. After I got back to work and he left, I had a much better afternoon. He picked me up that evening and we went and saw Hancock with some of his friends. (fantastic film, by the way. I saw it again last night haha.) We had a great time, we really did. We hit it off super well, and I so enjoyed his company. It felt like he was never gone. We held hands like little kids, and kissed at red lights. Cute. He dropped me off at home and that was that. I wouldn't see him the next day (thursday) because of family things he had to do. I understood completely.
Sooo Friday (4th of July) my family had a 4th of July party at the house. You know, pool, grill, family and friends. The way it's supposed to be done as far as I'm concerned. He was able to show up for an hour, but then had to leave again. We had fun while he was there though, had some grub, went swimming, he met my family.. All that good stuff. When he was leaving he told me that he didn't know what he was doing that eveing, that he might give me a call. Already a red flag, I don't like feeling like I'm supposed to wait around for some chump's phone call. Anyways. I ended up calling HIM at 10 that night to see if he was interested in going to the beach with me and some friends the next day. He was all in to it, and told me to call him in the morning. The morning comes. I called three times from 9am to 11am, no answer. I left messages asking to call me back, that I wanted to head out soon. Called him again at noon and left ANOTHER message telling him I was going to the beach, told him what street we were at in case he wanted to join, and to call me.
Hanging out at a girlfriend's house later, she urges me to call him one more time. It was 6:30ish, so I gave it a shot. No answer! Still! Left a snippy message, and he called back within the half hour. "Sorry, I didn't have my phone on me all day." ... Are you fucking serious? You were supposed to be expecting my call. We had plans. You can't just not have your phone on you. Besides, the boy has my number memorized, I know it, so why didn't he use ANY other phone in the world to tell me he was busy instead of just ditching me? No balls. He said that he was about to go hang out with a buddy, and that we should hang out the next day (sunday). I told him that I would not be calling him, that if he wanted to see me, he'd have to call me. He called Sunday at noon, but I was in the little girls room. As soon as I came out like a minute later, I called him back. Surprise, surprise. Voicemail. Told him I was sorry I missed his call, to call me back. That was Sunday.
SO THEN LAST NIGHT (WEDNESDAY) I caved, and called. He answered.
Alan: Hello?
Me: Hey, what are you doing?
Alan: I'm at the [local poolhall/bar] with some buddies.
Me: ALright, I'll let you go.
Alan: Actually, I wanted to talk to you a little bit.
Me: Yeah? No shit.
Alan: Yeah, I was just thinking, and I realized that I don't want another long distance relationship, but I don't want to just hookup either.
Me: (thinking; weird, because I don't recall ever even suggesting EITHER of those situations. Hmm.) [actually said= Well that's all well and good, but I hardly think that avoiding the situation like that is the best way to go about handling that, don't you think? It really makes you look like an immature little boy, you know that right?
Alan: Yeah, I know.. I'm sorry, I feel bad.
Me: Good, because you should. You made me feel like an asshole, okay?
Alan: Yeah, I'm really sorry.
Me: Okay. Peace out.
I didn't need this guy to be my boyfriend, I didn't need to hook up with him. I had been talking to him for the past 8 months, and I wanted to hang out with him. Had you seen the emails he was sending, you'd have thought he was halfway interested too! I'm just pissed that he really thought the best way to deal with it was to avoid me like the plague for days on end.
I realize that men have this pre-conceived notion that women are these delicate flowers that need to be taken care of, but get off it. I can take care of myself, and I'm not stupid. I'm actually pretty smart. I read "Maybe He's Just Not That Into You", I know the signs when they're presented. I knew Saturday when he told me he didn't have his phone on him that he wasn't interested. So where's the harm in saying, "You know, I'm just not feelin' it, and I think we should just stop before we start." I can handle it really. Instead, ya piss me off by avoiding it.
No balls.
Where are the real men in the world?
ktg.
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